i'm contemplating how quickly feelings, memories, places, and familiarity can slip away so quickly. now that i'm back in austin, it feels the same. mostly. when we moved away, i pushed aside so many hard feelings, things i didn't like dealing with. essentially, now it seems as though the emotions rushing back to me were forgotten. i've forgotten how certain situations made me feel because that didn't exist in san diego. i was me. i got a clean slate. here, there are things tied to me, branded in my identity. i wish i could escape them.
when we moved, it was easy for me to adapt (mostly). here and now, it's as if it's harder for me and easier for dustyn to slip back into the casualness of this city. the comfort. it's a struggle. i am expecting things to be just as they were, or in some instances, more forgiving, but it's just not so.
is it even possible to move back to a place and start over? is it possible to have a clean slate in a place where you've spent four years of your life already? to me, it is absurd that so many of what i'm facing drifted away while i was gone. enough so to make me yearn to be back. though i'm here, i just slip right back to where i was - showing no signs of growth or maturity. i feel it, i know it's happened - but do others see it, accept it, or even care?
going deeper, building on that last statement--why do i care if others see it, accept it, or care? really, if i've grown and matured, should i not be past needing public acceptance so much? maybe i don't really understand myself as well as i think i do, therefore, others have just as much (or more) difficulty understanding me.
in a large way, i feel like i'm going through an identity crisis. my identity is so intertwined with the friends i had before we moved away and the job i had in san diego. now, those friends have new friends or have moved away. i no longer have a job. this feels like i've been stripped bare - trying to discover what's left. at this point, what happens now? i feel like i'm interrupting life that was happening in this city without me.
aside from these feelings, i'm having such a hard time dealing with the move. i can't believe that we sold our house and we're back here now. i can't believe that i'm living more central to the city and friends i love. i can't believe i've forgotten the appropriate exits to take. i'm sure all of the geography will come back (the little my incompetent geographical mind can handle) to me. i think maybe i'll feel more comfortable being here now that our apartment problems are beginning to be resolved.
ok, sorry this was such a downer post. i've just really been struggling with this over the last week and a half.
3 comments:
aww, magan, i'm sorry it's been a rough transition back. and i think the weirdness/awkwardness is probably to be expected. i hope things will get better for you! :) and i am personally very glad you're back in texas!
I think that I can relate a bit. I do think it is possible to reinvent yourself, where ever you choose to land. It does take strength when it is around your past.
I think we all go through life reinventing ourselves due to circumstances (marriage, motherhood, divorce, death) our identity is attached to all these things; not our entire identity though.
Have faith girlfriend!
Magan, I think you have grown a lot in your year away. It takes a lot of strength to move far away from family and friends to start a new career. It takes even more strength to walk away from that and start something new. Change can always be hard, but I think it is hardest when it is change in familiar circumstances. I am so glad you are back, though. You will hit your stride soon.
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